Like I said last week, I tried hot yoga with my wife yesterday to try and improve the flexibility of my hips for MOAR SKWATZ. It was hotter than I thought it would be, and smelled like an old can of hobbit feet. It did what it promised to do though: I sweated an obscene amount and improved my flexibility.
However, during the 90 minutes I heard some ridiculously outrageous medical facts about the body that I stored away in my brain for later writing purposes. Here is the list of 10 of the most outrageous facts I heard during my session of hot yoga.
#1.”Pulling My Knees To My Chest Stimulates And Stretches My Colon, Allowing My Body To Digest Meat” Interesting, all this time I thought it was Protease that was doing that task for me.
#2. Pushing My Forehead Down To My Ankles Stimulates My Reproductive Organs” If by “stimulated”, you mean smashed between my thunder muscle thighs, then yes they are very stimulated.
#3. “Lying On my Back Stimulates My Elimination Systems“
Elimination system? I must have missed that one in all of my human chemical composition classes.
#4. “93% Of All Of My Brain Cells Reside In My Dead Muscle Tissue”
I am going to go ahead and assume they are talking about neurotransmitters, which live in the gut.
#5. Wait, I am Carrying Around Dead Muscle Tissue?
That must explain why I do things like this for fun.
#6. “These Poses Are Shredding Your Bodyfat While Toning And Tightening Your Muscles”
Funny, all along I thought yoga was making people soft like Gwyneth Paltrow…..who knew?
#7. I Got to Stare At My Wife’s Butt During a Few Poses
#8. “After Leaving Here, You Won’t Be Hungry And You Will Have A Sense Of Calm”
False. Immediately upon leaving I went straight to Qdoba and ordered 3,000 calories worth of burrito meat.